Hello again old friend... I know I have woefully neglected you and to be honest I have no real reason for doing so. Just haven't felt the drive or calling to write anything. Well, till today that is. I was prompted to write after hearing a wonderfully courageous, Godly woman speak at MOPS today about her journey with PPD. While I don't feel like I can accurately describe my baby blues as true PPD, some of what she said reminded me of that semi awful time. It also made me feel like if she could speak out, that I shouldn't feel like my story is something I should hide.
To start my story off, I have to say that I am a pessimist. A pessimist that frequently has issues with depression and anxiety. A pessimist that may or may not have walked into her college's health center thinking she was dying of a pulmonary embolism when in actuality was having a panic attack of epic proportion. Yeah, that's an embarrassing story for another time....Anyway... I start my story like this so you understand that dealing with stress, fear, guilt, depression is nothing new to me. Most days I am fine, happy and joyful even. But there are the bad days where I have to make the conscious decision to get out of bed.
The Little Man was born via Caesarian section on December 7th, 2010. Nine months to the day of our wedding! (for you who started to do the shame shame finger wave, he was born a month early. We consider him our late honeymoon souvenir!) My original birth plan was to have a vaginal birth with an epidural at South Florida Baptist Hospital, where my grandmother worked as a L&D nurse. We already had an induction date set, so we could ensure that my OB Dr. could deliver before the holidays, for December 20th. December 7th was one of my last OB appointments before the big day.
That day was pretty normal. My husband was working on my grandmother's van in Bartow, while my grandmother was out of town. At the time, we only had one car, so I just chilled around her house while the hubby worked outside. When my appointment time rolled around I gave the hubby a hug and kiss and drove away in our only vehicle.
I had been feeling pretty icky that day, and the reason why became evident when they took my blood pressure. I can't remember the actual numbers, but my BP had been creeping up that last month and that was the highest it had been. The doctor decided that the best course of action was to strip my membranes, hoping that would start labor naturally and induction if it didn't. Well, the doctor started my labor alright. My water actually broke while he was doing the 'striping'! What a weird moment that was for me. The first gush of water I wasn't sure if I believed him when he said, "Looks like we're going to have a baby." I actually did a polite little giggle thinking perhaps he was making a joke. But it soon (after realizing I was drenching everything) became apparent I needed to make my way to the hospital to give birth to Little Man!
Side Note: I still to this day crack up when I think of how I and the nurses at the office reacted to my water breaking! First I asked for a pad and a trash bag to help keep the car seat clean on my drive to the hospital. They handed me a trash bag and a PANTY LINER! There is a difference between a pad and a panty liner. One is like a diaper and one is glorified plastic backed toilet paper. I thanked her and promptly stuffed the panty liner in my purse and used those paper gowns they give you when the doctor needs to examine you. I used more of those paper gowns to mop up the floor, feeling so embarrassed. I did this till I realized that I probably should just head on to the hospital. As I walked out of the office all blushing, I told one of the nurses that they would probably need to mop before letting anyone else in there.
Remember earlier how I said the Hubby and I only had one vehicle? Yeah, I had that one vehicle which I was now using to drive myself to the hospital. The Hubby was with a van that a.) was not ours, though I'm sure my grandmother would not have minded if he used it and b.) could (depending on how much work he had gotten done) be in pieces. A quick call to my dad guaranteed to ride to the hospital for the Hubby.
Once in the maternity ward I got all hooked up to monitors to check on baby. They quickly noticed with each contraction Little Man's heart rate dropped dramatically. After a bit the doctor made his way to the hospital and quickly determined that Little Man had a prolapsed cord. A prolapsed cord is where the cord goes down the birth canal before baby does and with each contraction the cord gets compressed. This is a very dangerous situation that requires emergency C/S to save the baby. They immediately wheeled me to the OR, with the doctor actually riding with me, holding the cord.
The OR was so scary. Since it was an emergency they were opening packets of scalpels and buckling me down to the table before I was put under. I remember asking in a panic, 'You are going to put me under before you use that right?!' Referring to the scalpel they had just pulled out of it's sterile packaging. The next thing I remember I woke up in the recovery room with two nurses. (And here I realize I was very blessed. A friend of my grandmother's, who I had meet before, stayed with me during recovery. If it wasn't for her I would have been with just one nurse, who really wasn't all that nice) I felt so scared. Where was my husband? Was Little Man ok? I kept asking over and over if they could let my husband in and if I could see my baby. I was under such a fog that I would ask and then a few seconds later I would have forgotten and ask again.
Now this part I had to supplement what I know with what the Hubby tells me happened. I was so out of it, the first moments with my son have been lost. I was wheeled out and into our room. The Hubby was holding Little Man and I was able to hold him for a few minutes before we welcomed our family in to meet the new little one. I know at some point they must have left. And I vaguely remember trying to nurse Little Man and needing help because I couldn't stay awake enough to hold him. Once that night I even woke up to the nurse holding my breast in Little Man's mouth because I had fallen asleep while he was trying to nurse.
And here begins my Baby Blues story (wow, I was a bit long winded with my background story huh?) I felt so disconnected from Little Man from the get go. It was like I feel asleep pregnant, had a awful nightmare about surgery, and woke up a mommy! It just didn't compute. I was so up and down and just all over the place. I was surrounded by people coming to meet the baby, but I just felt like I was alone. Minutes ticked by so slow. I was in pain physically, and overwhelmed spiritually. I did all the right things though. I nursed the baby when I needed to nurse him, I changed his diapers when he was wet or dirty, I took care of myself, and I played nice when people were around (which was weird. I wanted people around, but when they were I just wanted to be alone.). While I was alone I spent time just wondering why I didn't feel that immediate rush of joy and love when I saw my baby. Wasn't I supposed to? What was wrong with me? I mean, I loved him, but it wasn't that sloppy mushy love, but more of a Oh this is my baby type thing
These thoughts were only compounded by the stress of being in the hospital for 3 almost 4 days. I like to be in control of my surroundings, and to have my normal just be thrown the winds really threw me for a loop. Nurses where just in and out. They would wake me as I had just fallen asleep, so I spent most nights only sleeping for hour increments and then taking 2 hours to fall asleep. (Before you say: Oh, well the baby would be in that kinda sleep cycle anyway, so why are you complaining? Due to the pain meds I was on Little Man would sleep 4 hours at a time. Probably even more if I didn't wake him up to nurse him.) I longed for home and would just weep or sit in silence while alone.
At home, things got marginally better. I was able to resume control of my surroundings and felt a bit more secure. However, these feelings of being physically ok opened up the door to feelings that originally had been on the back burner while dealing with hospital stress. I mourned the loss of the birth I was supposed to have, the birth I would never have now. And I was so overwhelmed trying to heal physically, grieve, process my thoughts, and care for a newborn. When I took a break from those things guilt over not loving Little Man the way I should would overcome me. That first month was awful, just awful. I still regret that I lost that time bonding with Little Man. So much was lost.
In the months after that (till Little Man was about 4 to 5 months old) my constant companion was lonely. Lonely would pop up when I woke up in an empty bed after Hubby went to work, Lonely would curl up next me as I spent most of the day on the couch in my PJs, and Lonely was even my bosom buddy when I went out in public. Of course my public appearances were rare. I probably left the house once a week. I would go days at a time not even knowing what the weather felt like outside.
Now, I have painted a very sad depressing picture, but there were good days mixed in with the bad. Some days Little Man and I would take a blanket outside and just sit in the sun. Other days I would rally up the strength to make dinner and I would feel so proud of myself when the Hubby and I ate together. I would drink in the compliments he gave my beginning attempts at cooking like a southern girl drinks in her sweet tea. Some days I would go out with family and others I would go out alone and just enjoy. Probably the turning point in this story was about the time my mom forced me to go out and about.... OK... She didn't force me :) But she did start taking us to the Women's Bible Study at church. I have to say, fellowship with other woman was and is such a balm to my soul.
And as time went by, I was lucky that the baby blues slowly left us. I slowly picked myself up with God's hand upon me and set about the business of bonding with Little Man. I started reconciling myself to the fact that yes, I had a C/S I didn't want and it was OK because that was the way God planned and it was for the best. I also waded through all the guilt I had heaped upon myself for not loving Little Man the 'right way, right away.' I still do. But I am proud to say the Little Man and I are very much in love as a Mommy and little boy need be.
While at the time I didn't try to reach out to God, in retrospect I see that he still reached out to me. So many little circumstances just lined up to keep me there and focused on the positives. So many times family reached out and pulled me out of my isolation and back into the world. One of the verses that we were given at MOPS today really relates and touched me deeply. It's John 16:33. "Here on earth you may have many troubles and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." How awesome is that?!
Much Love,
SAHMommy
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Us recently...
I know I have been absent the last couple of weeks and I apologize... We moved! We moved....
Still on the fence about how I feel about our move. We moved to Plant City, which all in all is a nice town, but they just don't have as many neato little community events Lakeland did. Plus they have hardly anything around for preschoolers! But it is still a little(r) city, so it is quiet, plus I liked being able to change things up around our home... I'll warm up to PC more, I'm sure of it!
A few updates: I completely crashed and burned on my Love Dare. It was more like a Love Flop. I probably got to day 5 before I had to pack the book up with our other things for the move. I packed it away where it belonged (our library book bag), but then neglected to take it out before going to the library again. OOPS! I am definitely planning on giving it another try, but this time I want to try when we don't have such big disturbances in our lives. I really want to be able to focus on it and give it my all.
Also to update you on my 'big plans' I mentioned last time.... I'm having a hard time getting other people to get involved. Heck, the person I want to do it for doesn't even seem enthused. Been praying and asking God for a sign that I am doing what he wants and I'm not seeing any obvious 'Hey this is a great idea' type signs. I don't know if I should continue with this idea, put it on the back burner, or just scrap it all together. Prayers for wisdom and guidance would definitely be appreciated!
Now to what I wanted to write about.... The terrible twos. I personally have decided the terrible twos should hereby be named terrible toddlerhood. My sweet adorable son now become possessed by some evil little monster when he doesn't get his way. I mean this isn't the first time he's showed off his terrible twoness, but he is showing them off more and more in public!
Now normally I wouldn't mind dealing with a tantrum too much. I normally try to head the tantrum off with distractions, but if that doesn't work his little 'show' gets ignored. (Normally with some chill out time in his room or time out) The only part that doesn't get ignored are bad actions that we know Little Man knows are wrong. (i.e.: hitting, throwing things, etc.) He will get a quick pop on the hiney and then goes back to being ignored. This works for us. It works for Little Man. EXCEPT for when we are out in public.
Side Note: I know each parent has their own ideas/thoughts/feelings on spanking. I am NOT asking for judgement/recommendations on spanking vs. non spanking. I respect that you have your way of parenting and ask you do the same for me.
Well the last few times I have ventured out with Little Man and The Captain in tow, Mommy has come home feeling like the worst parent imaginable. For example, our last trip to the library was going swell till Little Man decided to run off. Cue the Scooby Doo chase scene music as I frantically chase after Little Man, calling his name, while The Captain (realizing he has been left behind) wails in the stroller. After being appropriately secured into the stroller Little Man decides to go in full melt down mode. I'm talking running nose, high pitched squeals, bright red face, tears, flailing of limbs... the whole nine yards. We got those looks. You know the kind you get (and probably give as well!) when someone thinks 'Oh what a cruddy parent!' or 'That mom must not discipline her child right!' UUGGHHH....
Well here was my dilemma in this circumstance... Do I spank in public (for the bad behavior that triggered the tantrum), try to ignore this till he stops, run out pretending I forgot some urgent errand, or try reasoning with him? Lets all be honest, the last option isn't really an option because we all know you can't reason with a toddler. Then with option one people will assume I'm a child abuser. Lord knows I've thought the same of moms who spank in public. But if I don't is that going to ruin my work that I had accomplished at home? (Where he understands there are negative consequences to actions that he knows are wrong) Option two will get me the 'Is she going to shut him up' stage whispers. And finally Option three... Probably the best I'd say, but it's just so gosh darn difficult! I mean do I drop the library books then and there or attempt to check them out? Do I leave them in a pile somewhere or attempt to put them away where they belong? I just don't ever really know.
It's just been a struggle. Little Man is just so strong willed. Been asking God for patience and for strength. If anyone knows some wonderful bible passage for this type of thing I would love to hear it! Been writing them down in a binder as they relate to my life so next time the same issue comes back I can flip to that 'feeling' or 'circumstance' in my binder and read quotes that directly relate to how I'm feeling.
Well, so this post doesn't sound like I fail at everything I do, I must announce my latest achievement! I made a wonderfully delish loaf of Rosemary Olive Oil bread! The recipe called for yeast which typically terrifies me, but I got the yeast to bloom and the dough to rise! I feel like I'm on top of the world! Well, except for the whole toddler terribleness... But.. YAY FOR MY BREAD! :)
Many Blessings!
SAHMommy
Still on the fence about how I feel about our move. We moved to Plant City, which all in all is a nice town, but they just don't have as many neato little community events Lakeland did. Plus they have hardly anything around for preschoolers! But it is still a little(r) city, so it is quiet, plus I liked being able to change things up around our home... I'll warm up to PC more, I'm sure of it!
A few updates: I completely crashed and burned on my Love Dare. It was more like a Love Flop. I probably got to day 5 before I had to pack the book up with our other things for the move. I packed it away where it belonged (our library book bag), but then neglected to take it out before going to the library again. OOPS! I am definitely planning on giving it another try, but this time I want to try when we don't have such big disturbances in our lives. I really want to be able to focus on it and give it my all.
Also to update you on my 'big plans' I mentioned last time.... I'm having a hard time getting other people to get involved. Heck, the person I want to do it for doesn't even seem enthused. Been praying and asking God for a sign that I am doing what he wants and I'm not seeing any obvious 'Hey this is a great idea' type signs. I don't know if I should continue with this idea, put it on the back burner, or just scrap it all together. Prayers for wisdom and guidance would definitely be appreciated!
Now to what I wanted to write about.... The terrible twos. I personally have decided the terrible twos should hereby be named terrible toddlerhood. My sweet adorable son now become possessed by some evil little monster when he doesn't get his way. I mean this isn't the first time he's showed off his terrible twoness, but he is showing them off more and more in public!
Now normally I wouldn't mind dealing with a tantrum too much. I normally try to head the tantrum off with distractions, but if that doesn't work his little 'show' gets ignored. (Normally with some chill out time in his room or time out) The only part that doesn't get ignored are bad actions that we know Little Man knows are wrong. (i.e.: hitting, throwing things, etc.) He will get a quick pop on the hiney and then goes back to being ignored. This works for us. It works for Little Man. EXCEPT for when we are out in public.
Side Note: I know each parent has their own ideas/thoughts/feelings on spanking. I am NOT asking for judgement/recommendations on spanking vs. non spanking. I respect that you have your way of parenting and ask you do the same for me.
Well the last few times I have ventured out with Little Man and The Captain in tow, Mommy has come home feeling like the worst parent imaginable. For example, our last trip to the library was going swell till Little Man decided to run off. Cue the Scooby Doo chase scene music as I frantically chase after Little Man, calling his name, while The Captain (realizing he has been left behind) wails in the stroller. After being appropriately secured into the stroller Little Man decides to go in full melt down mode. I'm talking running nose, high pitched squeals, bright red face, tears, flailing of limbs... the whole nine yards. We got those looks. You know the kind you get (and probably give as well!) when someone thinks 'Oh what a cruddy parent!' or 'That mom must not discipline her child right!' UUGGHHH....
Well here was my dilemma in this circumstance... Do I spank in public (for the bad behavior that triggered the tantrum), try to ignore this till he stops, run out pretending I forgot some urgent errand, or try reasoning with him? Lets all be honest, the last option isn't really an option because we all know you can't reason with a toddler. Then with option one people will assume I'm a child abuser. Lord knows I've thought the same of moms who spank in public. But if I don't is that going to ruin my work that I had accomplished at home? (Where he understands there are negative consequences to actions that he knows are wrong) Option two will get me the 'Is she going to shut him up' stage whispers. And finally Option three... Probably the best I'd say, but it's just so gosh darn difficult! I mean do I drop the library books then and there or attempt to check them out? Do I leave them in a pile somewhere or attempt to put them away where they belong? I just don't ever really know.
It's just been a struggle. Little Man is just so strong willed. Been asking God for patience and for strength. If anyone knows some wonderful bible passage for this type of thing I would love to hear it! Been writing them down in a binder as they relate to my life so next time the same issue comes back I can flip to that 'feeling' or 'circumstance' in my binder and read quotes that directly relate to how I'm feeling.
Well, so this post doesn't sound like I fail at everything I do, I must announce my latest achievement! I made a wonderfully delish loaf of Rosemary Olive Oil bread! The recipe called for yeast which typically terrifies me, but I got the yeast to bloom and the dough to rise! I feel like I'm on top of the world! Well, except for the whole toddler terribleness... But.. YAY FOR MY BREAD! :)
Many Blessings!
SAHMommy
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
It's Tuesday again!
Seems Tuesday is my official unofficial blog day! I think it's easier to blog when the kids take good naps and they take the best naps after playing hard at MOPS!
Today I wanted to update y'all on my Love Dare experience. I can sum it up in two words: I suck. I don't know if anyone has done the Love Dare before, but day one is patience. I don't have patience. At all... Probably one of the reasons we go through these 'tense' periods in our relationship. Anyway, everyday I start the day out going, 'OK today is the day!' And then end the day with, 'Oh shoot... I totally wasn't patient with the Hubby today!!'
I really want to thank my friend Kendra for encouraging me to continue! Hopefully with her help and encouragement (plus knowing that this blog and potential readers can and probably will hold me accountable!) I will make it past the dreaded day one!
Been reading up what God says a wife should be. It's one of those passages where you read it and think 'Wow, I'd love to be that!' but at the same time it makes you squirm because you aren't that woman. Here's the passage I've been focusing on (and trust me, you probably already know it!)
With all that said here is my prayer request to you readers: Please pray with me that I can be patient with the Hubby. Pray that the Lord will open and change my heart to make me into the wife He dictates in the Bible. I pray that by doing so not only will our relationship become deeper and more meaningful, but also that it will put the passion for the Lord back in the Hubby's heart!
On an unrelated note, I also have a prayer request for an idea I got brewing! Please pray that with the help from some of the amazing MOPS ladies (and my wonderful Mom!) that we can create a 'miracle' for a friend! I know without the Lord we won't be able to help, but I know with His backing we can move mountains!
Thanks in advance for the prayers! Many Blessings!
SAHMommy
Today I wanted to update y'all on my Love Dare experience. I can sum it up in two words: I suck. I don't know if anyone has done the Love Dare before, but day one is patience. I don't have patience. At all... Probably one of the reasons we go through these 'tense' periods in our relationship. Anyway, everyday I start the day out going, 'OK today is the day!' And then end the day with, 'Oh shoot... I totally wasn't patient with the Hubby today!!'
I really want to thank my friend Kendra for encouraging me to continue! Hopefully with her help and encouragement (plus knowing that this blog and potential readers can and probably will hold me accountable!) I will make it past the dreaded day one!
Been reading up what God says a wife should be. It's one of those passages where you read it and think 'Wow, I'd love to be that!' but at the same time it makes you squirm because you aren't that woman. Here's the passage I've been focusing on (and trust me, you probably already know it!)
1 Peter 3:1-6
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your
beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate
hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Wow... I just reread the passage... And I am thinking of a prayer request I made to my table today. I mentioned how the Hubby was worried about just being a 'Sunday Christian' and not really connecting with the Lord outside of church. Wonder if God is trying to say something with: if any of them [husbands] do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. I got just got chills! Isn't it such an eye opener when you feel led to a passage in The Word and it connects to what you are going through in more ways than one?! I think the time for my words to the Hubby to stop and let my behavior speak for itself. I think working double time on this patience thing is in order! I was going to talk about how I loved lines 3 and 4, but seems God has something else he would like me to learn from that passage!
With all that said here is my prayer request to you readers: Please pray with me that I can be patient with the Hubby. Pray that the Lord will open and change my heart to make me into the wife He dictates in the Bible. I pray that by doing so not only will our relationship become deeper and more meaningful, but also that it will put the passion for the Lord back in the Hubby's heart!
On an unrelated note, I also have a prayer request for an idea I got brewing! Please pray that with the help from some of the amazing MOPS ladies (and my wonderful Mom!) that we can create a 'miracle' for a friend! I know without the Lord we won't be able to help, but I know with His backing we can move mountains!
Thanks in advance for the prayers! Many Blessings!
SAHMommy
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
God attends MOPS
It seems like every time I go to MOPS God really speaks to me through the message and the beautiful women there with me. I am positive God is there with us at MOPS! In my head I get a giggle out of visualizing Him in line for breakfast with us! Anyway... Today at MOPS we were talking about being an 'Acts woman.'
I got to be honest... Only some of the message made an impression on me because I kept gnawing over the part I did take to heart during the rest of the message... Oops... *insert sheepish grin* The part I did take away from it was about listening to the Holy Spirit. I don't think that I can honestly say that from day to day I listen to the Holy Spirit. Or even try to hear for that matter. The idea rarely even crosses my mind. Enter Christine C.... Can we get a standing ovation for this woman?! She might not know personally how much she has changed my life, but she has. Well, I got to tell the story... I wasn't going to, but it really does give you an idea of how the smallest things you do and say can impact someone's life!
It was a Friday like any other for me... I was with Little Man and the Captain. I want to say the Captain was only a month or two old? I wasn't planning on going out this Friday, but I just had to get out of the house. I decided a trip to Barnett Park splash pad was in order. I was completely tired and frazzled, but I knew for my children's and my own sanity we had to go... Just had to. I sat feeling a bit defeated on a bench watching Little Man run around like a mad man in the water geysers and just felt so alone. I was itching to talk to some other moms or any adult for that matter. During this time Little Man has been watching these two little girls play with buckets in the water and he decided he wanted to play too. When the little girls ran over to their mom (who was sitting on the bench next to mine) Little Man plotted his attack and struck! Little Man kept trying to steal the buckets while the girls were being dried/fed/watered by their mom. Embarrassed I kept taking him away from them apologizing left and right. While doing this I noticed the mom had a MOPS bag. I had heard of MOPS, but I wasn't too sure about it so I asked her about it. We probably talked for a good 5 to 10 minutes on the subject and she encouraged me to look her up on FB and to come to a meeting. Back home, after getting the boys down for a nap, I did just that and quickly looked Christine C. up on FB. Not only did she invite me once again to MOPS, but she also followed up on me several times to ensure I would go. Thank you Christine, Thank you!
Back to what I was originally saying: Christine had a testimony today about her girls accepting Christ and how they have been hearing the Holy Spirit talk with them. She said that they had recognized that both her husband and herself have a relationship with the Holy Spirit. Yowzers! Her little ones are 3 and 4 years old! As a mom I had never even begun to think that Little Man and the Captain would look for that in the Hubby and I. Or that they would be able to process a belief in something not visible. I guess I think of Christianity as something so complex and difficult to understand, when really it has been repeated in the Bible several times about having faith like a child. They can believe, but it is our responsibility to our children and more importantly to ourselves to have this faith and to make sure our children can see it in our actions/words/behaviors.
Christine's testimony was followed up by a Bible study message about being an 'Acts woman.' The Acts woman makes Satan go 'Oh No, she's up!' I want to be that woman! But in order to do so we all need to slow down and listen. God speaks in a whisper.
At first after hearing this I kinda scoffed a bit. Forgive me, but in my head I was going 'What, does God speak in their head? Wonder if it's the Darth Vader guy type voice.' Oh Yeah I went there... and I'm ashamed of it now. Because as I sat there and thought about it I realized God was speaking to me. No it's not James Earl Jones's voice I was hearing. It was just a thought that popped into my head and it's something that I didn't really feel like doing, but when I tried to think up excuses of why I shouldn't do it I got that tummy twisting feeling I got when I knew I was doing wrong. I was feeling led to do something and by trying to get out of it I was disobeying God.
James 4:17 says: Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
Wake up call huh?
Not going to spill out all the gory details of what God asked, but I did do as he said and I feel happier for it. I also realize now that I know God's voice within me. I've heard it before and it's never led me astray. I'm hoping by posting this that it will hold me more accountable to trying to quiet my mind and letting God's voice speak louder than my worries, doubts, etc. I only hope that it will become evident to my children and others around me that God works in my life. I feel reassured that if I continue to listen and be that Acts woman that makes Satan tremble, that my children will have an example to follow.
Today I pray that I will have the wisdom and strength to listen and to follow. I pray that my children will see and will know God in our lives. I pray that this fire will continue to burn in my heart.
I also pray for my next adventure... Starting tomorrow I'm going to start the Love Dare for the Hubby! I happen to know that he doesn't ever read this blog, so I'm pretty confident that I can blog about it and keep it my little secret! However, if you do run into him or talk to him please don't mention it? I want to blow him away! Thank you Tiffany and Selina for listening to me today and for mentioning the Love Dare! You both have been such a blessing!
Much Love!
SAHMommy
I got to be honest... Only some of the message made an impression on me because I kept gnawing over the part I did take to heart during the rest of the message... Oops... *insert sheepish grin* The part I did take away from it was about listening to the Holy Spirit. I don't think that I can honestly say that from day to day I listen to the Holy Spirit. Or even try to hear for that matter. The idea rarely even crosses my mind. Enter Christine C.... Can we get a standing ovation for this woman?! She might not know personally how much she has changed my life, but she has. Well, I got to tell the story... I wasn't going to, but it really does give you an idea of how the smallest things you do and say can impact someone's life!
It was a Friday like any other for me... I was with Little Man and the Captain. I want to say the Captain was only a month or two old? I wasn't planning on going out this Friday, but I just had to get out of the house. I decided a trip to Barnett Park splash pad was in order. I was completely tired and frazzled, but I knew for my children's and my own sanity we had to go... Just had to. I sat feeling a bit defeated on a bench watching Little Man run around like a mad man in the water geysers and just felt so alone. I was itching to talk to some other moms or any adult for that matter. During this time Little Man has been watching these two little girls play with buckets in the water and he decided he wanted to play too. When the little girls ran over to their mom (who was sitting on the bench next to mine) Little Man plotted his attack and struck! Little Man kept trying to steal the buckets while the girls were being dried/fed/watered by their mom. Embarrassed I kept taking him away from them apologizing left and right. While doing this I noticed the mom had a MOPS bag. I had heard of MOPS, but I wasn't too sure about it so I asked her about it. We probably talked for a good 5 to 10 minutes on the subject and she encouraged me to look her up on FB and to come to a meeting. Back home, after getting the boys down for a nap, I did just that and quickly looked Christine C. up on FB. Not only did she invite me once again to MOPS, but she also followed up on me several times to ensure I would go. Thank you Christine, Thank you!
Back to what I was originally saying: Christine had a testimony today about her girls accepting Christ and how they have been hearing the Holy Spirit talk with them. She said that they had recognized that both her husband and herself have a relationship with the Holy Spirit. Yowzers! Her little ones are 3 and 4 years old! As a mom I had never even begun to think that Little Man and the Captain would look for that in the Hubby and I. Or that they would be able to process a belief in something not visible. I guess I think of Christianity as something so complex and difficult to understand, when really it has been repeated in the Bible several times about having faith like a child. They can believe, but it is our responsibility to our children and more importantly to ourselves to have this faith and to make sure our children can see it in our actions/words/behaviors.
Christine's testimony was followed up by a Bible study message about being an 'Acts woman.' The Acts woman makes Satan go 'Oh No, she's up!' I want to be that woman! But in order to do so we all need to slow down and listen. God speaks in a whisper.
At first after hearing this I kinda scoffed a bit. Forgive me, but in my head I was going 'What, does God speak in their head? Wonder if it's the Darth Vader guy type voice.' Oh Yeah I went there... and I'm ashamed of it now. Because as I sat there and thought about it I realized God was speaking to me. No it's not James Earl Jones's voice I was hearing. It was just a thought that popped into my head and it's something that I didn't really feel like doing, but when I tried to think up excuses of why I shouldn't do it I got that tummy twisting feeling I got when I knew I was doing wrong. I was feeling led to do something and by trying to get out of it I was disobeying God.
James 4:17 says: Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
Wake up call huh?
Not going to spill out all the gory details of what God asked, but I did do as he said and I feel happier for it. I also realize now that I know God's voice within me. I've heard it before and it's never led me astray. I'm hoping by posting this that it will hold me more accountable to trying to quiet my mind and letting God's voice speak louder than my worries, doubts, etc. I only hope that it will become evident to my children and others around me that God works in my life. I feel reassured that if I continue to listen and be that Acts woman that makes Satan tremble, that my children will have an example to follow.
Today I pray that I will have the wisdom and strength to listen and to follow. I pray that my children will see and will know God in our lives. I pray that this fire will continue to burn in my heart.
I also pray for my next adventure... Starting tomorrow I'm going to start the Love Dare for the Hubby! I happen to know that he doesn't ever read this blog, so I'm pretty confident that I can blog about it and keep it my little secret! However, if you do run into him or talk to him please don't mention it? I want to blow him away! Thank you Tiffany and Selina for listening to me today and for mentioning the Love Dare! You both have been such a blessing!
Much Love!
SAHMommy
Monday, October 15, 2012
Toddler Logic for the Day
If you lovingly peel and cut an apple Little Man will refuse to eat it. However, if you just slice an apple, leaving the skin on, Little Man will eat the apple and leave little apple skin 'boats' on his plate. Guess without the skin it is too risky to eat it. Who knows what healthy food SAHMommy might have tried to sneak onto his plate! The opposite applies to cucumbers. They MUST be peeled.
Got to love Toddler Logic!
Heart,
SAHMommy
Got to love Toddler Logic!
Heart,
SAHMommy
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Soul Searching
I hate that phrase... Soul Searching... Makes me cringe every time I hear it. But I've been doing quite a bit of that the last few hours. I must warn you, I am dealing with a horde of emotions I've been trying to hide from everyone including myself, so the post might be a bit disjointed and un cohesive. I will do my best to draw my thoughts together in order for them to be understandable.
For a long time now I have felt heavy and icky. As a mother I felt like a failure. I had somehow failed my kids. I felt I was the worst wife imaginable. I thought that I was just so unworthy and unimportant in God's eyes and his plan. Everything just seemed to be wrong and I couldn't accomplish anything right. I wanted to scream out to Him 'Why Lord? Why? Where am I supposed to go? Where is this 'magical' purpose you supposedly have created me for? What is wrong with me?' But I couldn't even say that to him because I felt so unworthy to talk to him.
This feeling of 'unworthiness' had slipped into every aspect of my life. Just recently The Hubby and I had a fight over something totally dumb, but the fight ended in me crying to him saying, "I'm worth it! I'm important!" Just somehow, it didn't seem true. It has seemed like every fight of ours was started because I didn't feel worth anything and the anger I showed was just to cover my huge gaping wounds. I was never the perfect wife and I always thought to myself, "Well, if I do this maybe I will be a better wife." But it still didn't seem like enough. I could do more or better and since I wasn't I was failing my family and husband.
As a SAHM I also encountered feelings of having no value because I had no definition other than 'Mother' and society paints that out to be a failure. I felt that because I wasn't making money that I was doing nothing. And it seemed like all the other SAHMommys I encountered had something else to define them. For example, my mother has been a SAHM for several years now, but she dedicates her time to a Homeless Ministry that her and my father have started up and before that had been involved in an outreach ministry for children. At MOPS I meet these wonderful women that not only parent, but do these amazing, brilliant things.... I can't even begin to descibe some of the things these women have accomplished, and all in God's name! So they had a definition other than just SAHM. They are co founders in homeless ministries, supporters of Ugandan women, Prayer Warriors.... All these strong wonderful things... And here I was just icky plain ole Alicia. I felt like they were some (and this example just came to me because I'm sitting in the kitchen staring at the floor as I think. lol) beautiful wood flooring. You know, the kind you see in those houses on TV that you just drool over? And I was just laminate with a wood plank design. Maybe even the kind that is curling up and cracking a bit at the edges? Where was my purpose and calling? What was my definition?
With my children, it always seemed as if I was one step behind. I was never doing it right or doing enough. There was always more I could do. I could spend more time doing this, or that. I could feed/clean/teach/etc. them better. It was this frantic anxious energy just pushing me and at the same time dragging me down because I just couldn't compete. I couldn't reach that goal of being a good enough mother to my children. The sense of guilt that accompanied this was crippling to say the least. It was a huge weight I carried with me all the time.
In my typical control freak way, I have tried to force several callings upon myself. Lets just say it hasn't worked. And it seemed like each failure was just another sign that I was in no way good enough for God. I would tell myself, "Oh well, I would have failed at it anyway," or "They would see right through me and KNOW I wasn't good enough, so it's better I suppose..." And I was scared people could see through me. I figured they could tell I was just that laminate and not the wood. That I didn't have it all together like I had been pretending.
Well today at MOPS we had a bible study and one of the points brought up was that God works in you the way he designed you and in order to be able to have Him work in you, you must accept you as you! The exercise used to explain this was several light bulbs. There was the CFL bulb, outside flood light bulb, fluorescent light bulbs, a chandelier bulb, and several others. We were asked to identify what type of bulb we were. I was immediately drawn to the chandelier bulb. It would give off a soft pleasant light... One that would be comforting to turn on during a storm to read a book by. (I so love reading!!) A type of light to leave on at night so there was always a light glowing to come home to. It would give off a light that you could snuggle in. It just seemed so me. Then we were told that God created us in the way we were to serve a very specific purpose. There was no way that chandelier bulb could function as an outdoor flood light! And vice versa! Then a light bulb went off for me!
After spending the rest of the bible study fighting tears I went straight up to the lesson leader to talk. Bless that woman, I was in a mess! She prayed with me and had me pray to God and have him take that icky guilt and shame away!
Here's what I learned: I was unworthy. God knew that and that's why he sent Jesus to save us. Through Him I am worthy. All these negative feelings were nothing but Satan whispering into my ear to stop me and deter me from my walk with God. I don't have to do anything to get Him to love me, I just have to believe and receive it; have faith in it. I am worthy and I am loved!
During the bible study we were directed to Matthew 15:16. Peter had asked Jesus to explain the parable and Jesus' answer was: "Are you still so dull?" He might as well have been sitting next to me going 'Alicia wake up! Isn't this what you hear every Sunday? Isn't this the basis of Christianity?! That I make you worthy and you are loved?! There is no need for this guilt! Let me handle your journey! I planned your calling long before you were thought of, give me credit and some faith here!' In my head I even have a mental picture of him doing a face palm at me! This had been accepted in my head for so long, but it took till today for my heart to accept it.
As to my calling, I still don't know. It will be something I will spend a great amount time praying about. I know there are periods in one's life where God prepares them for the journey He has planned for them. Maybe I'm just getting prepared. Or who knows maybe I'm on it now, but I'm just too much in the thick of things to see.. I'll leave those details to Him. The Lord will give me a definition, a purpose, a journey, a calling designed just for me. It won't be a flood light calling, but my chandelier bulb calling will be no less worthy or important.
The peace I feel has been overwhelming. The tightness in my shoulders I always seem to have is gone. I have had more patience with my kids today and I feel I have more love to give them. I know I still have a long journey to take. This problem hasn't been conquered, but I think with prayer, faith, and some time reading scripture this should become easier.
Well, it looks like I have written a novel! But I do feel so much better getting that all out! Thanks for listening to my ramblings!
Much love and many blessings!
SAHMommy
For a long time now I have felt heavy and icky. As a mother I felt like a failure. I had somehow failed my kids. I felt I was the worst wife imaginable. I thought that I was just so unworthy and unimportant in God's eyes and his plan. Everything just seemed to be wrong and I couldn't accomplish anything right. I wanted to scream out to Him 'Why Lord? Why? Where am I supposed to go? Where is this 'magical' purpose you supposedly have created me for? What is wrong with me?' But I couldn't even say that to him because I felt so unworthy to talk to him.
This feeling of 'unworthiness' had slipped into every aspect of my life. Just recently The Hubby and I had a fight over something totally dumb, but the fight ended in me crying to him saying, "I'm worth it! I'm important!" Just somehow, it didn't seem true. It has seemed like every fight of ours was started because I didn't feel worth anything and the anger I showed was just to cover my huge gaping wounds. I was never the perfect wife and I always thought to myself, "Well, if I do this maybe I will be a better wife." But it still didn't seem like enough. I could do more or better and since I wasn't I was failing my family and husband.
As a SAHM I also encountered feelings of having no value because I had no definition other than 'Mother' and society paints that out to be a failure. I felt that because I wasn't making money that I was doing nothing. And it seemed like all the other SAHMommys I encountered had something else to define them. For example, my mother has been a SAHM for several years now, but she dedicates her time to a Homeless Ministry that her and my father have started up and before that had been involved in an outreach ministry for children. At MOPS I meet these wonderful women that not only parent, but do these amazing, brilliant things.... I can't even begin to descibe some of the things these women have accomplished, and all in God's name! So they had a definition other than just SAHM. They are co founders in homeless ministries, supporters of Ugandan women, Prayer Warriors.... All these strong wonderful things... And here I was just icky plain ole Alicia. I felt like they were some (and this example just came to me because I'm sitting in the kitchen staring at the floor as I think. lol) beautiful wood flooring. You know, the kind you see in those houses on TV that you just drool over? And I was just laminate with a wood plank design. Maybe even the kind that is curling up and cracking a bit at the edges? Where was my purpose and calling? What was my definition?
With my children, it always seemed as if I was one step behind. I was never doing it right or doing enough. There was always more I could do. I could spend more time doing this, or that. I could feed/clean/teach/etc. them better. It was this frantic anxious energy just pushing me and at the same time dragging me down because I just couldn't compete. I couldn't reach that goal of being a good enough mother to my children. The sense of guilt that accompanied this was crippling to say the least. It was a huge weight I carried with me all the time.
In my typical control freak way, I have tried to force several callings upon myself. Lets just say it hasn't worked. And it seemed like each failure was just another sign that I was in no way good enough for God. I would tell myself, "Oh well, I would have failed at it anyway," or "They would see right through me and KNOW I wasn't good enough, so it's better I suppose..." And I was scared people could see through me. I figured they could tell I was just that laminate and not the wood. That I didn't have it all together like I had been pretending.
Well today at MOPS we had a bible study and one of the points brought up was that God works in you the way he designed you and in order to be able to have Him work in you, you must accept you as you! The exercise used to explain this was several light bulbs. There was the CFL bulb, outside flood light bulb, fluorescent light bulbs, a chandelier bulb, and several others. We were asked to identify what type of bulb we were. I was immediately drawn to the chandelier bulb. It would give off a soft pleasant light... One that would be comforting to turn on during a storm to read a book by. (I so love reading!!) A type of light to leave on at night so there was always a light glowing to come home to. It would give off a light that you could snuggle in. It just seemed so me. Then we were told that God created us in the way we were to serve a very specific purpose. There was no way that chandelier bulb could function as an outdoor flood light! And vice versa! Then a light bulb went off for me!
After spending the rest of the bible study fighting tears I went straight up to the lesson leader to talk. Bless that woman, I was in a mess! She prayed with me and had me pray to God and have him take that icky guilt and shame away!
Here's what I learned: I was unworthy. God knew that and that's why he sent Jesus to save us. Through Him I am worthy. All these negative feelings were nothing but Satan whispering into my ear to stop me and deter me from my walk with God. I don't have to do anything to get Him to love me, I just have to believe and receive it; have faith in it. I am worthy and I am loved!
During the bible study we were directed to Matthew 15:16. Peter had asked Jesus to explain the parable and Jesus' answer was: "Are you still so dull?" He might as well have been sitting next to me going 'Alicia wake up! Isn't this what you hear every Sunday? Isn't this the basis of Christianity?! That I make you worthy and you are loved?! There is no need for this guilt! Let me handle your journey! I planned your calling long before you were thought of, give me credit and some faith here!' In my head I even have a mental picture of him doing a face palm at me! This had been accepted in my head for so long, but it took till today for my heart to accept it.
As to my calling, I still don't know. It will be something I will spend a great amount time praying about. I know there are periods in one's life where God prepares them for the journey He has planned for them. Maybe I'm just getting prepared. Or who knows maybe I'm on it now, but I'm just too much in the thick of things to see.. I'll leave those details to Him. The Lord will give me a definition, a purpose, a journey, a calling designed just for me. It won't be a flood light calling, but my chandelier bulb calling will be no less worthy or important.
The peace I feel has been overwhelming. The tightness in my shoulders I always seem to have is gone. I have had more patience with my kids today and I feel I have more love to give them. I know I still have a long journey to take. This problem hasn't been conquered, but I think with prayer, faith, and some time reading scripture this should become easier.
Well, it looks like I have written a novel! But I do feel so much better getting that all out! Thanks for listening to my ramblings!
Much love and many blessings!
SAHMommy
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Introduction
Figured the best way to start a blog I want to keep is by introducing myself. My name is Alicia. I have several other things I am called; wife, mother, daughter, and friend are among a few. This particular blog is for me to talk about all things to do with my Mommy title.
I have been a mommy since December 2010 when my first little punk graced us with his presence 3 weeks before he was due for eviction! Little Man gave us all a big scare when he decided to go cord first and his birth ended up happening in the OR. Little Man is currently a rambunctious almost two year old. He likes to pitch a fit first and say 'please' later. But he's awfully cute and his tag has fallen off so we have decided to keep him. :) I was just being mean. Little Man is a joy, but very much a toddler! He has made me question myself several times and I have become a stronger woman for it. He was everything we prayed for when I was pregnant and I truly believe my mother was up there when God was creating him for us.
I became a Mommy twice over earlier this year. The Captain was born screaming at 37 weeks to the day. He is my little porker! A total booby baby and I wouldn't have him any other way! He loves his brother more than anything (well except a good nursing session of course!) and spends the majority of his time watching Little Man run about the room.
We are a Christian family. I can't say we resemble anything like the model Christian family, but I honestly believe that our mistakes give us a better capacity of understanding how much grace God gives us. I feel so undeserving by how many blessings and how much grace He rains down on us.
We are a happily cloth diapering family. I will be quick to tell you it is more about saving my wallet than saving the earth and we are in no way 'cloth snobs.' I don't mind sposies and would probably still use them if it wasn't for the savings.
I am also VERY pro breastfeeding. I'm more of a follower than a leader, but I really do strive to do anything in my power to normalize breastfeeding. Yes, I will bare boob in public if my child is hungry! God gave me such a wonderful gift allowing me to have children and he then made sure I was able to nurture those children with the best food possible. I think breastfeeding is one of my personal ways of praising Him. Not to sound wacko, but breastfeeding my children has been a very spiritual thing. Having faith that He will always provide has made my confidence in breastfeeding (and parenting in general) blossom.
Well, as far as introductions go that's probably the best I can do on a day I haven't had my daily cup of coffee. Questions are welcomed! :)
Yours,
SAHMommy
I have been a mommy since December 2010 when my first little punk graced us with his presence 3 weeks before he was due for eviction! Little Man gave us all a big scare when he decided to go cord first and his birth ended up happening in the OR. Little Man is currently a rambunctious almost two year old. He likes to pitch a fit first and say 'please' later. But he's awfully cute and his tag has fallen off so we have decided to keep him. :) I was just being mean. Little Man is a joy, but very much a toddler! He has made me question myself several times and I have become a stronger woman for it. He was everything we prayed for when I was pregnant and I truly believe my mother was up there when God was creating him for us.
I became a Mommy twice over earlier this year. The Captain was born screaming at 37 weeks to the day. He is my little porker! A total booby baby and I wouldn't have him any other way! He loves his brother more than anything (well except a good nursing session of course!) and spends the majority of his time watching Little Man run about the room.
We are a Christian family. I can't say we resemble anything like the model Christian family, but I honestly believe that our mistakes give us a better capacity of understanding how much grace God gives us. I feel so undeserving by how many blessings and how much grace He rains down on us.
We are a happily cloth diapering family. I will be quick to tell you it is more about saving my wallet than saving the earth and we are in no way 'cloth snobs.' I don't mind sposies and would probably still use them if it wasn't for the savings.
I am also VERY pro breastfeeding. I'm more of a follower than a leader, but I really do strive to do anything in my power to normalize breastfeeding. Yes, I will bare boob in public if my child is hungry! God gave me such a wonderful gift allowing me to have children and he then made sure I was able to nurture those children with the best food possible. I think breastfeeding is one of my personal ways of praising Him. Not to sound wacko, but breastfeeding my children has been a very spiritual thing. Having faith that He will always provide has made my confidence in breastfeeding (and parenting in general) blossom.
Well, as far as introductions go that's probably the best I can do on a day I haven't had my daily cup of coffee. Questions are welcomed! :)
Yours,
SAHMommy
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