Soul Searching

I hate that phrase... Soul Searching... Makes me cringe every time I hear it. But I've been doing quite a bit of that the last few hours. I must warn you, I am dealing with a horde of emotions I've been trying to hide from everyone including myself, so the post might be a bit disjointed and un cohesive. I will do my best to draw my thoughts together in order for them to be understandable.

For a long time now I have felt heavy and icky. As a mother I felt like a failure. I had somehow failed my kids. I felt I was the worst wife imaginable. I thought that I was just so unworthy and unimportant in God's eyes and his plan. Everything just seemed to be wrong and I couldn't accomplish anything right. I wanted to scream out to Him 'Why Lord? Why? Where am I supposed to go? Where is this 'magical' purpose you supposedly have created me for? What is wrong with me?' But I couldn't even say that to him because I felt so unworthy to talk to him.

This feeling of 'unworthiness' had slipped into every aspect of my life. Just recently The Hubby and I had a fight over something totally dumb, but the fight ended in me crying to him saying, "I'm worth it! I'm important!" Just somehow, it didn't seem true. It has seemed like every fight of ours was started because I didn't feel worth anything and the anger I showed was just to cover my huge gaping wounds. I was never the perfect wife and I always thought to myself, "Well, if I do this maybe I will be a better wife." But it still didn't seem like enough. I could do more or better and since I wasn't I was failing my family and husband.

As a SAHM I also encountered feelings of having no value because I had no definition other than 'Mother' and society paints that out to be a failure. I felt that because I wasn't making money that I was doing nothing. And it seemed like all the other SAHMommys I encountered had something else to define them. For example, my mother has been a SAHM for several years now, but she dedicates her time to a Homeless Ministry that her and my father have started up and before that had been involved in an outreach ministry for children. At MOPS I meet these wonderful women that not only parent, but do these amazing, brilliant things.... I can't even begin to descibe some of the things these women have accomplished, and all in God's name! So they had a definition other than just SAHM. They are co founders in homeless ministries, supporters of Ugandan women, Prayer Warriors.... All these strong wonderful things... And here I was just icky plain ole Alicia. I felt like they were some (and this example just came to me because I'm sitting in the kitchen staring at the floor as I think. lol) beautiful wood flooring. You know, the kind you see in those houses on TV that you just drool over? And I was just laminate with a wood plank design. Maybe even the kind that is curling up and cracking a bit at the edges? Where was my purpose and calling? What was my definition?

With my children, it always seemed as if I was one step behind. I was never doing it right or doing enough. There was always more I could do. I could spend more time doing this, or that. I could feed/clean/teach/etc. them better. It was this frantic anxious energy just pushing me and at the same time dragging me down because I just couldn't compete. I couldn't reach that goal of being a good enough mother to my children. The sense of guilt that accompanied this was crippling to say the least. It was a huge weight I carried with me all the time.

In my typical control freak way, I have tried to force several callings upon myself. Lets just say it hasn't worked. And it seemed like each failure was just another sign that I was in no way good enough for God. I would tell myself, "Oh well, I would have failed at it anyway," or "They would see right through me and KNOW I wasn't good enough, so it's better I suppose..." And I was scared people could see through me. I figured they could tell I was just that laminate and not the wood. That I didn't have it all together like I had been pretending.

Well today at MOPS we had a bible study and one of the points brought up was that God works in you the way he designed you and in order to be able to have Him work in you, you must accept you as you! The exercise used to explain this was several light bulbs. There was the CFL bulb, outside flood light bulb, fluorescent light bulbs, a chandelier bulb, and several others. We were asked to identify what type of bulb we were. I was immediately drawn to the chandelier bulb. It would give off a soft pleasant light... One that would be comforting to turn on during a storm to read a book by. (I so love reading!!) A type of light to leave on at night so there was always a light glowing to come home to. It would give off a light that you could snuggle in. It just seemed so me. Then we were told that God created us in the way we were to serve a very specific purpose. There was no way that chandelier bulb could function as an outdoor flood light! And vice versa! Then a light bulb went off for me!

After spending the rest of the bible study fighting tears I went straight up to the lesson leader to talk. Bless that woman, I was in a mess! She prayed with me and had me pray to God and have him take that icky guilt and shame away!

Here's what I learned: I was unworthy. God knew that and that's why he sent Jesus to save us. Through Him I am worthy. All these negative feelings were nothing but Satan whispering into my ear to stop me and deter me from my walk with God. I don't have to do anything to get Him to love me, I just have to believe and receive it; have faith in it. I am worthy and I am loved!

During the bible study we were directed to Matthew 15:16. Peter had asked Jesus to explain the parable and Jesus' answer was: "Are you still so dull?" He might as well have been sitting next to me going 'Alicia wake up! Isn't this what you hear every Sunday? Isn't this the basis of Christianity?! That I make you worthy and you are loved?! There is no need for this guilt! Let me handle your journey! I planned your calling long before you were thought of, give me credit and some faith here!' In my head I even have a mental picture of him doing a face palm at me! This had been accepted in my head for so long, but it took till today for my heart to accept it.

As to my calling, I still don't know. It will be something I will spend a great amount time praying about. I know there are periods in one's life where God prepares them for the journey He has planned for them. Maybe I'm just getting prepared. Or who knows maybe I'm on it now, but I'm just too much in the thick of things to see.. I'll leave those details to Him. The Lord will give me a definition, a purpose, a journey, a calling designed just for me. It won't be a flood light calling, but my chandelier bulb calling will be no less worthy or important.

The peace I feel has been overwhelming. The tightness in my shoulders I always seem to have is gone. I have had more patience with my kids today and I feel I have more love to give them. I know I still have a long journey to take. This problem hasn't been conquered, but I think with prayer, faith, and some time reading scripture this should become easier.

Well, it looks like I have written a novel! But I do feel so much better getting that all out! Thanks for listening to my ramblings!
Much love and many blessings!
SAHMommy